brett florio

After all, perfect happiness may also be an unreachable goal; it is, as one writer put it, an imaginary condition that’s usually attributed to children by adults, and to adults by children.

Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn

And the “one writer” Kohn references (whom I haven’t read):

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

The Second Sin, Thomas Szasz

If there was a “happiness index” I’m fairly confident that I’d be on the upper end. I have an amazing wife, three beautiful girls, an honest and hardworking business partner, a fantastic team, good health, a 2 block commute, and more good books to read than I have time for.

So I’m not entirely sure if I attribute greater happiness to my girls, but I did attempt to do some research just now. Thinking my 4yo might be better able to understand the question than my 2yo, I asked her who she thought was happier, “You or me?” My 2yo immediately interrupted, “MEEEE!!!!!”

They ultimately decided that we were all happier, except for the baby, “because she’s sleeping.”

And though the original quote isn’t necessarily phrased to suggest that one group is happier than the other, that’s what it turns into in my mind. And while I naturally want my children to be as perfectly happy as possible, can they achieve that if I don’t first model it?

Or my wife. Can she be perfectly happy if I’m not?

Or my team. Can they be happy in their jobs if I’m unhappy in mine?

Or the question that naturally follows: Can I be happy if they are unhappy? (And perhaps the more interesting question: Should I want to be?)

I don’t have answers, but there are a few things that do come to mind when thinking about happiness, like a study suggesting that social networks show clustering of happy and unhappy people. Here’s a concise summary:

Happiness, in short, is not merely a function of personal experience, but also is a property of groups. Emotions are a collective phenomenon.

Also interesting, from the same:

And we found that each additional happy friend increases a person’s probability of being happy by about 9%. For comparison, having an extra $5,000 in income (in 1984 dollars) increased the probability of being happy by about 2%.

Though it may seem distasteful, the economic reality of happiness is worth mentioning. Reminds me of the fantastic writings on happiness over at Freakonomics.com, showing (quite persuasively) that happiness is indeed tied to income, relative income, and your nation’s GDP (among other interesting things).

So even if I don’t have answers to the more abstract, can I answer the question, “What am I doing to be happier, and to make those around me happier?” At this point in my life, I’m trying to encourage more, judge less, and love always. (That’s another line from Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting, but I think it works well in other areas of life.)

What about you? Do you attribute perfect happiness to anybody? What are you doing to be happier, and to help those around you be happier?